Diary

NIghtmare

2012-02-05T17:42:00.004-07:00

I was at school, coming out of a big lecture. It wasn't my school though, it felt like it was in BC somewhere, maybe Kelowna. Joe was waiting for me outside, wanted me to get into his car. I don't remember this part very well, only a feeling of dread, and fear. He wanted to capture me and keep me in a cage. He was angry, and he had a gun. I got away, but he caught me. I kept escaping, but he kept finding me. He said he knew I was going to get on the highway and drive somewhere, I can't remember where. I finally escaped again. I was with a friend, but I don't know who. My car had trouble starting, but I finally got it going and started to drive. Joe was right behind me, but I got away long enough to turn the opposite direction from where he thought I would go. I was in a random mall parking lot, and saw a friend who's house was a few blocks away. We ran to her house, where I put on her father's pajamas, and hid in a cupboard.

Everything became different.

I was still running, this time from bodyguard type people that were responsible for not letting me leave my house. I was on a dirt road in the forest, and I was wearing a white wedding dress. They were dressed in black, and they found me. When I was brought back my mother (or step mother, I'm not sure) yelled at me and I promised I wouldn't ever leave again. She seemed to believe me. All of a sudden I was planning a wedding, and I don't remember much. I remember wanting white peonies with lavender and purple wildflowers as a bouquet, but no one thought that would look nice. I wanted blue shoes, but I was give mustard yellow leather wedges. I liked them, but wondered why I didn't have a choice. Then I began to walk down the aisle in a garden, and I woke up.

Am I a bad person?

2012-02-05T11:46:00.002-07:00

I've done a lot of bad things lately.

I broke up with Ryan.
I started talking to Joe again.
I realized Joe still had feelings for me and I didn't.
I realized I still loved Ryan and wanted him back.
I pretended, for maybe a day, that I would just let things be.
Then I talked to Ryan again. Somehow he still loved me too.
Things went downhill from there.

Ryan and I talked and talked, and although he had done some things wrong, I had been worse. He is a people-pleaser, which got me in trouble. I eventually ignored this crucial aspect of his personality, and ended up taking advantage of all he would do for me, and being somewhat controlling. Without even realizing what I was doing. I guess its not entirely my fault, he never said anything to me about it. Ever.
He talked to his family, friends, psychologist, realized this, and still loved me at the end of it. I don't know about you, but if someone can be willing to forgive something like that, I would want to hold onto them.
He did stuff wrong too. He got too angry, he was volatile. He had trust issues with me, despite me never ever lying to him. He had doubts in the very beginning, and attributed every problem we had to them, despite them being gone. The worse part about that is he voiced them, breaking my confidence. (That was also a bit of my fault, I would push him to tell me what was wrong when he didn't know.)
And then there's Joe. I led him on and then took it all away over the course of a week. I broke him. Hopefully that's what he needs to get over me once and for all.

After all this stupid boy stuff, there's my parents. They call me rude, ungrateful, abusive, immature, unappreciative, selfish... I could go on. I'm still trying to figure out why.

All of this is making me feel like a bad person. I have good intentions, and I feel like deep down I am a good person, but is it possible for a person to have good intentions and still be a bad person?

2012-01-29T00:11:00.003-07:00

Some days, I'm fine. Right now, not so much. People tell me it was abusive, I can do better, I don't need drama in my life right now. They're right, for the most part, but I don't care. All I want is him. All I think about is him. We had so much together. I'm eating, and sometimes I sleep. I have no choice but to function. With condensed courses at school, every class, every night of homework counts. I want everything that was good.

I know, if we worked really hard, we'd be able to sort things out. He knows that too. Yet now that we're single a world of opportunity has opened. I don't feel worried about wanting to move for grad school. He has the opportunity to date other girls, gain some experience, and he wants it. I can understand that, but once he gets it, I hope he still wants me.

So I wait. I wait for him to love someone else. I wait to even think about my weariness. I wait to heal. I wait for him, and I wait for us.

I also hope. I hope that everything I'm hearing is true, that time heals all, etc. I hope I can forget. I hope that I'm strong enough to do this again. I hope I don't become jaded, although I fear it's too late. Mostly, I hope he doesn't forget, that he doesn't stop loving me. I know that for me it will be a journey of forgetting and distraction, not of getting over him.

I work, and study. I exercise, and play music, and try to find ways to laugh.

A silver lining might be that I'm amazed that I'm still managing, if only a shell of a person, at least something.

RIP

2012-01-14T13:13:00.001-07:00

SGW was and amazing woman. I can't believe she's gone.

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Obsessed with interior design

2011-12-17T00:14:00.011-07:00

I'm moving, hopefully in March. I'm scouring the interwebs for inspiration...

Lamps and lighting, colours

Windows! Probably just a dream...
Vase
This one is my favorite. I love the crown molding, the wall colour, the art on the shelf, the pillow colours and textures, and the overall colour scheme.

Half circles on the wall

I love the leaves in the vase (but I'm over owls), the different pillows, and the colours. I also wish I wasn't allergic to cats.

Colours! I especially love old furniture painted bright colours.

An interesting way to display pictures. I love hearts.

It's that time of year again...

2011-12-08T19:41:00.002-07:00

...time for procrastinating, or as most people call it, finals. In the past week, instead of studying I have:

Signed up for a membership at World Health Club
Booked my first of 12 personal training sessions
Started a Day Zero project
Gone for coffee
Help Ryan set up his Smart TV
Watched more TV than is healthy
Etc...

The difference of this semester is I feel more prepared than ever before. That's most likely because I'm in education. It's true what they say, teacher school is easy, but if one thing has been made clear to me this semester, it;s that being a teacher will be the hardest thing I'll ever do.

I'm also really excited. I have a gym membership! On Tuesday I'll have my nutrition and workout plan. My goal is to lose 30 pounds. I'm so serious about it it's not even funny. Hopefully I'll write about it.

Finally, I want to save money. Lots of money. I'm tired of being stressed about money. I'm going to read about it, and start using Quicken, or some other banking application. I'm really going to be serious about it, maybe even write about it.

So, my updated holiday to-do list:

Re-vamp the blog
Workout 5x a week
Follow my nutrition plan
Start keeping track of my spending/saving
Play music
Read
Sleep

I can do it.

Holiday To Do List

2011-11-28T23:45:00.004-07:00

Bake

Candy Cane Whoopie Pies

Chocolate Peppermint Bark

Salted Caramels

Play violin, possibly record something (via Garageband or something else of poor quality)
Pick up a guitar
Finally read The Help, Catch-22

Run
Sleep
Eat small portions often

Fix Stress List

2011-11-08T15:30:00.002-07:00

School. Well all that is over, minus one midterm. I have an essay Due in two weeks that I intend on starting this weekend, so I don't get stressed. Studying for finals starts after that weekend.

Boy. I need to stop being an idiot and enjoy him.

Parents. Which really isn't parents, it's about where I'm going to live and potentially terrible roommates. Not much I can do there.

Weight. I don't really have a plan for this, which is setting myself up for failure. After my midterm tomorrow I'm going to make a serious plan.

Money. I'm working baout 20 hours a week, plus babysitting. I'm no longer eating out, ever, and putting away at least $20 a month into a new ING savings account, which I'm opening tomorrow.

Lists un stress me. Hooray for lists.

Stress List

2011-10-27T16:53:00.003-06:00

School. Two essays next week, neither started. Two midterms after that, but i"m on top of those subjects (minus not going to one of the classes)

Boy. I shouldn't be. He loves me and I love him, but I still can't help feeling like he wants to break up with me every time I see him see a skinny girl. I'm stupid.

Parents. They're moving which means I need to move out. I'm extremely fortunate (and feel like a spoiled brat for even being stressed) that they're going to buy a rental property and let me live there free, as long as I have two roommates.

Weight. I've lost about ten pounds since summer. I want to lose 30 more. I'm eating a lot better, but not exercising enough. I also need to cut down on after dinner snacking.

Money. I have none.

I think that's it.

Earthlings

2011-10-24T17:16:00.004-06:00

Everyone needs to watch the documentary 'Earthlings'

It changed my life. I didn't care much about animals until I saw it, and it sincerely changed my life. I don't want leather bags anymore. Thank goodness for Matt and Nat.

I ended up getting this dress for my birthday:

I love it :)

I also got the community parka I wanted, made from recycled polyester and hemp, made with eco-friendly practices. Not to mention it's super warm.

Birthday birthday!

2011-10-14T13:53:00.005-06:00

I want...

Burberry bag, or flats

Marc by Marc Jacobs laptop case, bangle, Hillier Hobo, or new Hobo

A Community Parka or a Canada Goose Parka

An ipod car charger/player

Laser hair removal for 3 body parts

Hair extensions

A pair of Converse chuck taylors

I feel a bit greedy, but I'd be happy with just one thing from this list. Even this was a bit of a stretch, I couldn't think of anything for a while.

8km Catharsis

2011-10-09T11:26:00.006-06:00

I had to constantly remind myself, at least I have legs to run with. I was in the last third of people to finish, and of them about in the middle weight wise. It was a real confidence killer, there I was thinking wow, I can run 8km without stopping, but all these skinny people can do it faster than me. It's not that I pity myself, it's that I'm so frustrated that I got this way. Ryan's sister and her boyfriend finished the 8k ten minutes before me. His sister smokes! Ryan's step-mum is doing the half marathon as I type, and him and his dad are doing the marathon. It makes me feel slightly better that Ryan's step-mum is only skinny because she does crazy fad diets with vitamin and hormone injections, and drinks 4L of water a day. I don't want to get skinny like that.

One amazing thing was all the cheerleaders along the road. There were people with cowbells, pom-poms, loud stereos playing inspirational songs, motivating signs, and encouraging cheers. Every time I ran by a group of them, I smiled. It's amazing how much easier it is to run when you're smiling. Another great thing - the people I ended up running with were, for the most part, really positive. One girl smiled the whole time, and a few friends would constantly encourage each other. There was a mum and daughter, and the mum kept telling her daughter how amazing she was.

I did it, in just under an hour. The feeling after sprinting the last 100m was really empowering. I felt accomplished, and for a moment, forgot where I measured in terms of fitness. I'm motivated, if I can do 8km, I can do more. I can do it faster. I can get skinny. I can stay positive. I can do it.

To keep going after 6km, I distracted myself by making some goals:

continue to eat healthily
eat bigger breakfasts
eat less after supper
run more often
do yoga more(I bought a hot yoga groupon, good for 5 sessions)
do the half-marathon next year

8 km training - Week 3

2011-09-22T22:12:00.003-06:00

I can run 4km, but I only have three more weeks to train. I've really got to step it up. I feel like I'm almost ready for 5 km, but just barely. Coming back to the university has really been a reality check in terms of how out of shape I am. Two years ago, I could fly up the three staircases from the LRT station, often choosing stairs instead of escalators. Now, I still take the stairs, but can barely walk once I'm at the top. I even find myself breaking a sweat walking from class to class.

I managed to lose about 5 pounds over the summer, despite having no choice other than refined carbs and processed meat for four months. I'm trying really hard to eat healthily, but I'm finding myself starving at the end of the day, and eventually binging. My goal is to have lost 25 pounds by Halloween, which means losing about 5 pounds a week, almost a pound a day. I'm not sure if that's possible. I'm seriously considering doing the master cleanse, where I have nothing but water with lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper for ten days.

Stress is slowly starting to creep up on me. This week is a gong show. I have a two day training for my job working with kids with autism. I have my second essay due for Music 103. I have a midterm in just over a week. I have a relationship that's hanging on by a thread. I have to pay my tuition, and my parking ticket tomorrow.

Tiffany

2011-09-09T14:44:00.005-06:00

Rhys and I had our one year anniversary a few weeks ago, and we got each other presents. I got him a watch from Nixon that he had wanted for a while, in 'Gunmetal'. He got me a beautiful Tiffany necklace, something I've wanted since I graduated high school.

I love how classic and simple it is.

I'm surprised after our summer that we made it to this point. We're finally just getting out of that rocky place, and I'm really excited for a peaceful school year.

Motivation

2011-07-20T16:08:00.003-06:00

I'm enrolled at University, and I have a plan. I've decided to finish a degree in Elementary Education, with a minor in Special Education. After I finish that, which should take three years, I want to do a master's in Special Education, with a focus on behavioral disorders. That is only offered at UBC, which means I'd have to move to Vancouver. I'm definitely ok with that.

Rhys and I have almost been together for a year, I can't believe it. No one has ever been so kind and made me feel so special. We feel right.

I'm also excited that I only have four more weeks left of work before I'm done for the summer. I want to be done so badly.

Work

2011-06-23T20:27:00.003-06:00

I'm definitely feeling cut off from the world, because after three weeks of work all I want to do on my days off is sleep and eat. When I'm at work, I'm doing 16 hours a day of giving 100% of everything I can possibly muster. It's nice to know I'm truly making a diffrence, but it sucks that the price is my sanity and physical health. Three weeks down, six to go. My only goal before I go back is to go buy energy drinks at Costco.

Vacation

2011-05-10T14:39:00.012-06:00

Vancouver

Victoria

Olympic National Park

Seattle

2011-05-10T14:34:00.002-06:00

I've lost three pounds, despite going on vacation and eating terribly. We walked 10-15k a day, so I'm sure that helped. I fixed my bike, and I'm remembering how much I love biking. I leave for work on Friday, and I'm hoping I'll be too busy all day to be eating or gaining weight. I'm nervous and excited to be working at a camp for people with disabilities all summer.

Another bad week

2011-04-23T10:06:00.003-06:00

I didn't gain, but I didn't lose. I was mostly good with my points, but I didn't work out because of exam stress and illness. I'm all better now, and exams are over, and I'm going volunteering at swimming, so I'll be in he pool for two hours. A good, fresh start. I hope I lose at least 2 pounds this week.

Fail

2011-04-14T23:19:00.002-06:00

This week was a failure.

I gained three pounds.
I ran only 4 days.
I didn't do the stairs.
I hurt my back.
I did Weight Watchers, but I was over my points every day.
I'll be fat forever.

Some new rules for eating

2011-04-11T17:01:00.003-06:00

No fast food of any kind (except a salad at subway, and extreme pita with no cheese and fat free dressing)
When eating out, eat no more than half of what is served
Eat more filling things (I have yet to figure out what they are)
Drink more tea
Eat more veggies
Eat more frequently, in smaller portions; I need to snack
No more butter, margarine, or creamy salad dressing

Starting Point

2011-04-07T14:30:00.005-06:00

Last week's activity:
4 runs (2.5 km was comfortable)
1 Fox Drive stair workout (walking up, jogging down, five times)

Last week's food:
Did not use Weight Watchers

Weight: 178

Measurements:

Bust - 37 in
Underbust - 32 in
Waist - 31.5 in
Hips - 39.5 in
Bum - 43 in
Thigh - 25.5 in
Calf - 15.5
Neck - 13.75 in
Bicep - 13 in

Long Term Goals:

Weight: 150 lbs

Underbust - 30 in
Waist - 28 in
Thigh - 22 in
Calf - 13 in
Neck - 13 in
Bicep - 11 in

Be able to run 10 km comfortably
Be able to jog up and down the Fox Drive stairs 10 times
Be able to fit in my old clothes

This Week's Goals:

Be able to run 3 km comfortably
Run every day except stair day
Go to the Fox Drive stairs
Track what I eat in Weight Watchers

Motivation to save money for pretty things

2011-04-06T16:21:00.004-06:00

Toms

A Talula Skirt

Voluspa candles

Aldo purse (a knockoff, I think from Chloe)

Wilfred dress

T.Babaton dress

Cute Shorts

An Anthropolie Maxi-Dress

Some Lollia hand creme

J.crew everything

Tom Ford sunglasses

Hunter rain boots (and a cute little accessory)

Davines momo shampoo

Davines wizard line No. 7 hairspray

Jasmine hand creme

More Jane iredale makeup, and brushes

Icefields

A bodum teapot

Some letters

Some leaves

A lantern

A new ipod

A Burberry scarf

A Hermes scarf

Hair extensions

To Do by September 1st

2011-03-31T22:44:00.006-06:00

Get into the U of A
Get a camera
Take the Seattle trip
Buy a Ukulele and learn to play it
Take Rhys out for dinner and pay (and also to Taco Del Mar and pay)
Hike Skoki
Lose 20 pounds
Spend an evening watching airplanes land and take off
Go zip-lining
Go to a shooting range
Lie in the back of a car in a farmer's field and watch the sunset/stars/sunrise

2011-03-01T12:49:00.002-07:00

Crazy Pills:

I don't like the ones I'm on. My doctor says I should try going off them, but I know I'm not ready for that. He also only prescribes Effexor, which I'm taking, and Paxil (yay for the drug companies, crap for me). After speaking with Ryan's sister, a psychiatric nurse, I've realized I have options. I'm working on getting a referral to a psychiatrist to see if I can find a better drug. I'm sick of being fat and spacey.

Fat:

I'm not gaining anymore, but I gained 20 pounds in total from the time I started the crazy pills. I'm hoping that changing them will help. I'm also working really hard on not succumbing to my cravings, which are practically ruling my eating habits. I used to feel gross after binging on carbs, now I feel satisfied.

I'm getting a job, probably waitressing on the weekends. It will replace a bit of my social life, but at least I'll have some money. After next year, I'm on my own for school, and I'll have three years to pay for, so I need to get saving. I'm also hoping while I'm working, I won't be eating or drinking alcohol, so maybe I'll lose weight that way too. I just have to decide where to apply!

Indestructible

2011-02-16T10:40:00.003-07:00

I'm moving this Sunday. I'm very excited.

I aced my anthro midterm, and I have an A in Spanish right now. My psych midterm is tomorrow, and I know it will be easy. It's amazing how easy school is now that I'm in the right frame of mind.

I had a lovely Valentine's day. Ryan really makes me feel special.

I have pretty hair today. This photo doesn't quite do it justice, but here's the idea:

Things are looking up.

Crazy Roommate Situation #637

2011-02-01T23:48:00.004-07:00

I am moving out, most likely back in with my parents. I'm doing another trial week, starting right now; I'm writing from my old room.

Melanie and I grew apart.
She accused me of being immature, spoiled, and shallow.
The ferret thing happened.
We started to hate each other.
Now, crazy accusations are being made, and I can't take it any more.

I don't trust her at all, so I took all of my stuff, and put it either in my china cabinet, or in my room, bought a lock for the cabinet, and a key locked door handle. I'm proud to say I installed it by myself with help from no one (because I don't have a single mechanically inclined neural connection in my brain). This led her to think that I had begun moving out, and since my rent payment hadn't gone through, that I wasn't planning on paying rent.

Locks were changed.
I lost my shit.
After I stopped crying, I called the landlord and sorted everything out.

I'm hurt, because after two and a half years of living with her, Melanie thinks I am capable of trying to screw her over. I'm annoyed, because she thinks that she would be affected by me breaking the law and not paying rent. The landlord would come after me, not her, to pay any outstanding balances in my name. I'm restless, because all I want to do is get out of that filthy, poisonous apartment and never think about her again. I'm certain that forgetfulness must play a key role in happiness.

The silver lining to this whole situation is Ryan. He didn't call me crazy when I called him six times in two hours to cry/vent. He talked me through things, and got my mind off the situation long enough to think more objectively. I'm so lucky to have him.

Safari Disco Club

2011-01-17T01:14:00.004-07:00

The amount of snow that has fallen in the past month is so large it's comical. I'm hoping it will warm up so I can go tobogganing. Until then I'll play Yelle and dance around and study. And be a lion.

I'm losing weight, my stomach is flatter.

2011

2011-01-07T17:25:00.005-07:00

Christmas was beautiful, minus the three days spent with my parents. I just love the mountains. I also love Calgary, and my lust for all things designer has come back to life due to a stop at the Holts there. If I was rich, I would be incredibly fashionable.

With the beginning of school, a new motivation has taken me. I'm aiming for at least one A+ this semester, and an overall average of somewhere between 3.5 and 4.0. Now that I know only my moderate efforts can acheive a 3.4, I'm even more frustrated with being kicked out of uni.

Since I've managed to get every other aspect of my life in control, the beginning of this year comes with a new focus. I'm enormous. I'm starting to get into the groove of my fitness plan, but I'm having a really hard time with snacking. Meals are easy to keep healthy and small portioned, but I can't kick my sugar and fat cravings, and I continue to be persuaded. I hate having such a trite situation, but I really do need to make weight loss a priority.

I'm playing violin, and that, plus writing, is helping keeping my emotions in check. I'm learning the Bach oboe violin concerto in D minor, and I love it. It's fairly easy, but wonderfully emotional.

Fitness Plan

2010-12-08T22:44:00.004-07:00

Sunday: River valley - stairs

Monday: Macewan Gym - Spin class or other cardio + weights

Tuesday: River Valley - run

Wednesday: Macewan Gym - Spin class or other cardio + weights

Thursday: Winter - Tobogganing or skating; Spring - Biking or Run

Friday: Macewan - Kickboxing class

Saturday: Rest day

I'm hoping this combined with a strict diet will help me lose weight. Fingers crossed

2010-12-07T16:53:00.002-07:00

I'm disgusted with myself. Since my vow to lose weight I've gained ANOTHER 5 pounds, but I've been eating less. I don't get it. I'm starting to wonder if my crazy pills have something to do with it. In any case, once finals are over, I'm going to the gym on a regular basis. I wish I had a devoted gym buddy, or a fitness class I was interested in. Maybe I'll look into that. I'd love to take a pole dancing class (fully clothed, of course), but they're incredibly expensive. Kickboxing would be my second choice, given my martial arts background, but those are just as expensive. Regardless of how, if I don't lose 30 pounds by March, I will have failed.

Holly & Ivy

2010-11-26T13:39:00.002-07:00

Evergreen uggs, or deep atlantic uggs.
A new bed
A necklace
Some pajamas, or a cardigan, or a slip, or a bra, or a babydoll from Victoria's Secret
Blush, in orgasm
Some pretty flowers to go on my wall
A funny snow globe
Interesting pillowcases
Cups, cups, cups, cups, cups, cups, cups
And also measuring cups
A silly mug
Keycaps

I hope I'll get something on this list, but I'm definitely going to buy the mug if I don't get it.

Happy

2010-11-25T17:20:00.002-07:00

Things I love about my life right meow:

I'm doing well in school, with surprisingly less effort than I thought it would take.
My room is decorated beautifully and I love it. Grey, black, white and red, with a little bit of pink here and there. I finally have a grown-up room, minus the grown-up bed.
Ryan is amazing. He's so patient with me, and he doesn't think I'm crazy when I'm freaking out about something insignificant. He's also the most kind and genuine person I've ever met. I love him.
I visited he group home my sister is going to live in and it's lovely. It's very clean, spacious, and safe. The helpers are gentle, and the people living there are joyful.
I get to go tobogganing, and have hot chocolate and cuddle and be cosy after.
I'm sort of getting along with my parents.
I have great plans for winter break which include making Christmas dinner by myself, decorating Ryan's house my way, going to Jasper, Banff, and Calgary

I gained 5 pounds

2010-11-17T01:41:00.003-07:00

My week:

House sit - from Saturday to Thrusday
Babysit Victoria - from 3:00pm to 7:00am, Monday
Spanish oral presentation (interview) - Tuesday
Hand in my Classics essay (Oedipus complex) - Wednesday
Hand in my Psychology essay (sleep paralysis and narcolepsy) - Thursday
Hand in my Sociology essay (poverty and subsidized daycare) - Friday
Go to the farmer's market, maybe the art gallery and 3 bananas, see a movie, see Ryan, Kristina's birthday party - Saturday
Catch up on studying - Sunday

Needless to say I can't wait until I'm finished my sociology essay. My psych essay is almost done, same with the sociology one. I hope they're good. These past two weeks have been so stressful i gained 5 pounds and forgot to take my pill two days in a row resulting in a massive panic attack yesterday. I'm back on track today, and I hope to stay that way. I had being dependent on pills.

Wild thing

2010-10-30T15:22:00.002-06:00

I've noticed I have a very wild personality; I truly feel my emotions and freely express them. It's probably partly due to my anxiety causing my emotions to be volatile, but I think it's just me. When I'm happy, I'm wildly silly, I cry when I'm sad, I yell and cry when I'm angry, and I sleep when I'm tired. I feel like it's taboo to be as open as I am with your emotions in western culture, and I think I've compensated in an effort to apologize. Last night when I was out with my boyfriend's friends, I noticed that most people don't understand me, and I think that might be why. I've decided that from now on I'm not going to feel guilty for being an emotional person, but know that this may inhibit me from seeming normal. I think I'm ok with that.

Today, I'm thankful for expression.

Yo-yo

2010-10-27T14:10:00.005-06:00

I'm back to where I started two years and 15-20 pounds ago. According to my doctor, and weight watchers, I'm at a healthy weight, but all of my clothes are tight. Plus side? Nice boobies. I am going to think of every bad thing I can for more motivation:

For the first time IN MY LIFE I can see little bits of cellulite creeping up on my stomach and upper arms.
My cute little baby face is a whole lot cuter (and when anyone says cute they mean round and FAT.)
More muffin top
Jeans are getting worn out more easily, and I can't afford that.
I'm eating more, and and that costs more money.
Wobble
I don't feel good looking anymore, and I'm not like most girls. I used to love my body and be confident in any outfit, in any setting. Now I've got a new perspective on the fat girl affinity for loose tops and all black wardrobes.
My mother looks at me more judgmentally.
I'm turning into the countless girls that got fat after high school, which is unacceptable.

To sum it up: ew.

The plan:

I joined weight watchers again.
Eating out, holidays, and free meals are no longer excuses to pig out.
When it comes to alcohol, only the alcohol itself is allowed to have calories; beer and cider will be reserved for once a month consumption.
I will remind myself of how I used to look more frequently:

I will also take pictures of my current state.
I spent 84 dollars on weight watchers and I'm poor so I need to make my investment worthwhile.

Nouvelles

2010-10-13T13:45:00.002-06:00

I'm doing really well at school. Only two marks below 90, and none below 80. It's bringing my confidence up and motivating me to do even better. Psych is difficult, Spanish and Sociology are a joke, and I'm not sure about Classics, but I enjoy it.

Things with Ryan and I are going really well.

Melanie, one of my roommates, decided to get a ferret without bothering to consult me. I told her I wasn't ok with it, and went through a week of lots of fighting. She isn't getting it anymore, because she doesn't "want him in this environment". She's blaming me for turning this from "exiting and fun to anything but" and almost refusing to talk to me. I don't really care anymore.

Today, I'm thankful for cue cards.

Procrastination

2010-10-06T15:32:00.002-06:00

Procrastination is cleaning my room.
Procrastination is going on the internet.
Procrastination is playing the violin.
It's having a shower.
It's calling my mother.
It's eating an oreo,
Going to the grocery store,
Smelling all my candles before deciding which one to light,
Reorganizing my purse,
Working out,
Opening a window,
Writing this blog.

My anxiety is somewhat controlled. My doctor thinks my crazy pill dose is enough, my mood is generally an 8 out of 10. I don't feel numb, or different, really. I still cry about my sister all the time.

I'm barely at the apartment anymore. Ryan's feels more and more like home. He even calls it my home. It's nice.

Today, I'm thankful for having a home.

2010-09-28T13:30:00.002-06:00

My anxiety is ridiculous. I cry almost every day still. If I don't do well in school this year I've ruined my chances of pursuing a degree. My parents have began to take the first steps of putting my sister in a group home (a process that will take about a year). I feel like I'm wrecking things with Ryan already.

I cry about my sister whenever I talk about her. I don't know what it is, but I just can't believe that she has to live in a group home. It's the best option, for her and for our family, but I just never thought it would happen. It makes it more real that I'm the only chance my parents have for having a successful daughter. It gives more opportunity for her to be abused (80% of mentally handicapped females are sexually abused at some point in their lives).

My high anxiety is spilling over into my feelings for Ryan. I'm acting like a nervous wreck around him.

Today, I'm thankful for Taylor Swift.

Dream

2010-09-22T15:11:00.004-06:00

I live at home, with my mother and my sister. We live in a house that is a combination of my parents' current house, and my aunt and uncle's old Calgary house. It is in a neighborhood that is in the process of being built; clay, dirt, and concrete litter the street and empty lots waiting to be sold. The sky is gray. My dad is absent, a fact I only notice when I awake.

My sister is going to die. I can't remember who told me. I cry a little bit, and then decide to take full advantage of living with her and spend loads of time with her. We laugh a lot. Some time passes, a few days maybe.

I'm in the kitchen with her, laughing about something meaningless, and the person that told me she is going to die tells me this is the end. My sister hiccups and falls dead-weight onto the floor. I collapse in absolute anguish, and cry for days.

I wake up crying.

I fall asleep into a new dream. I am with a group of friends at a coat-check, and a friend accuses a stranger of stealing my phone. I jump on him and pry the phone from his hands, only to discover it isn't my phone. His group of friends becomes so enraged that an attack begins, but quickly dissolves due to how public the situation is. Later, in a line waiting to enter a building, I see a girl with my phone. She is part of the same group of attackers, so I approach her cautiously. I quickly prove that the phone is mine, which provokes the same anger in her. She begins the true attack, which takes place in the street, the same one in front of a church I attended as a teenager. There are weapons that are dismembering my friends, guns, grenades, and medieval weapons that are all but killing others. Many are being raped. We try and run, but we all have running through quicksand syndrome. We all try to scream for help, but none have loud voices, that causes a kind of helplessness only found in dreams. We do manage to escape a few times, but are always found. We find the police, but are wrongly accused of being the attackers.

We are all of a sudden at a graduation ceremony, one for people younger than us, because ours was interrupted by the attackers. A girl in front of me trips and dies, and I am blamed. I sit with a friend, and a few boys that are giants. They say there are there to protect us. I find out shortly that they are friends with the leader of the attackers, and the leader approaches me. I die, and awake to my dead sister dream.

I'm in a different kitchen, and I'm telling my mum about the attacker dream. I think I'm awake. I soon realize that my sister is dead, and I collapse again. My mum tells me to stop acting silly. I wake up.

I fall into sleep again, and I'm watching a news story about a family living in a small apartment downtown with a tiger. The news starts explaining how the family got there. They were living in a mansion in a valley in a jungle in India. They owned a tiger, and a camel with no limbs. There are three children, and the father was training the family to perform an act with the animals. They were all on a massive homemade network of rope, suspended over part of the valley, and they performed acrobatics. The camel and tiger were well trained in acrobatics, but always tried to eat the children.

Now, I am one of the three children. We are practicing swinging on the ropes, and the camel is getting closer to my brother, trying to eat him. It almost had him, and then the father comes outside and yells; the camel retreats. The mother comes outside and starts to practice with us, and we aren't doing well. The father yells at us, in such an abusive way we almost all fall off the ropes in sadness. Because of our emotions, he paralyzes us all in pain with his black spit. I was the first to realize consciousness, and I see my siblings are mumbling nonsense and singing nursery rhymes. The father is laughing so hard that some of his spit lands in his eyes, and he too becomes paralyzed in pain.

And then I wake up.

Home

2010-09-18T14:37:00.004-06:00

I have slept at Ryan's for about 7 nights in a row. I've been to my apartment almost every day, to switch clothes and eat. I like studying in his room. I like watching movies on his couch. I like cooking in his kitchen. It's not the cleanest place, but it's more like home than my apartment. I went to Calgary to meet his family last weekend, and they were more welcoming and happy to see me than my own family is. We've definitely got that 'fit like a puzzle' thing.

Today, I'm thankful for Ryan.

I am not allowed to be stressed.

2010-09-08T14:36:00.002-06:00

Since my doctor just doubled my crazy pill dose, I am also trying a new strategy to manage my stress. I am picking three things that I will allow myself to think about enough to get stressed, but everything is not allowed. So far I think I have my three things:

School
Money
Relationships (ie: friends and family)

This means I am not allowed to stress about many things that I usually stress about, like work, my stupid boss, my stupid roommate, my future, my sister's future, my car, ex-boyfriends, how I look, my weight...

My first class of the year was a joke. I am head and shoulders over everyone in my Spanish class. I wish it was curved because I'd get the highest mark. Since it isn't, I need to study like mad so I can get a 95.

Today, I'm thankful for taking Spanish 10 in high school, and for doing French immersion.

New

2010-09-06T22:31:00.002-06:00

In one month, my life is new.

Joe and I are no longer speaking, and for the past two weeks I have been officially dating a new boy, Ryan. He is the perfect personality match for me. He's funny, smart, incredibly patient, caring, and independent. He's lived on his own for longer than I have.

Melanie (my roommate) and I are fighting, but a few days ago I stopped walking on eggshells and started living and not caring. I redecorated my room in an effort to amke it a place I'd like to spend more time.

I now wear high heels on a regular basis.

I'm done at the autism place. I miss my little kiddos :(

I start school tomorrow. Eek.

Today, I'm thankful for Ikea.

Only the good die young.

2010-08-08T18:50:00.001-06:00

RIP Dallas. You changed my life.

More pills, more milk?

2010-08-03T18:29:00.003-06:00

The crazy pills have stopped making me feel more crazy, but I don't feel any different yet.

Now I have to take anti-inflammatory meds so that my broken thumb will heal. My weak bone broke thanks to an asshole eight year old and a swift kick to the thumb.

Today, I'm thankful for a week off of real work. I get to do admin stuff instead.

Crazy Pills - Day 1

2010-07-29T15:17:00.003-06:00

Today, I can officially be called someone who needs pills to be normal, 37.5 miligrams of Venlafaxine, to be exact. The only problem is that they make you more crazy for the first week or two of taking them. Today I have felt dizzy, tired, nauseous, unfocused, and unable to remember anything; in other words, I've turned into a zombie. I'm hoping it rains so I don't have to work at the restaurant feeling crazy.

Today, I'm thankful for slurpees because it's 34 outside, with humidity.

Tension

2010-07-27T11:47:00.002-06:00

With my roommate Melanie, for being noisy one night. She hasn't talked to me since. I've been pretending to be a mouse since.

With Joe. Because I love him and he doesn't love me (like that).

With Allie, because of foolish drama surrounding Nathan.

With Nathan, and the incessant texts and phone calls asking me to forgive him.

With myself, stressing over school that starts in nearly a month. I'm hoping that the adrenaline that runs through me every time I think of studying will push me when I'm actually studying.

Today, I'm thankful for my friend Nicole, because she tells me that I don't need that tension.

Under the sheets

2010-07-24T15:28:00.002-06:00

I'm seeing a boy, Nathan, and it seems it's going to be a complicated start. I have a friend that is being incredibly infantile about us dating, but hopefully in a few weeks everything will blow over. I hope our like is strong enough.

I spent four days in Jasper and it was an amazing break. I was almost completely rested after. Pictures soon.

Today, I'm thankful for the mountains.

Hi ho.

2010-07-13T20:51:00.002-06:00

I'm going to Jasper in six days, I'm excited for some time off. I have two books to read while I'm there.

I've started running again, and I went for a run in the rain last night. I felt so nice to get in a warm shower.

The boy I liked made out with a girl at work on Sunday while we were all out for drinks. She knew I liked him. On to the next.

Today, I'm thankful for a bartender at work, that acknowledged my work ethic.

Happy

2010-07-06T23:02:00.004-06:00

Today, despite nothing of note happening, I was happy. I haven't had a day like that since high school.

I have an appointment to set up a student line of credit tomorrow, the final step before I can enroll in courses. A week ago school was impossible, and now it's possible again. I feel privileged, and my nervous/petrified feeling is slowly evolving into excitement.

60 hour work weeks are hard.

Today, I'm thankful for friends.

Spoiled Brat

2010-06-28T18:50:00.003-06:00

By the end of the summer, despite 60-70 hour work weeks for the next two months (hopefully), I will only have money to live on, but not to pay for school for the following 8 months. My parents refuse to pay my tuition until after my final transcripts are released. The program I'm planning on being in excludes me form qualifying for student loans. Problem? I am going to a student financial advisor at the school tomorrow. I hope they can find a way to fund my year. It's possible that I'd have just enough money, but there are so many things that could come up that I'd need money for, I don't want to risk it.

Today, I'm thankful for the family I work for that is on welfare, with 6 children. It puts things into perspective.

Spanish or Algebra?

2010-06-23T14:33:00.004-06:00

I'm making my schedule for Fall/Winter 2010, and I'm starting to get excited. Despite the circumstances, I think the next year is going to be a great opportunity. I'll get to lay a (basic) foundation of knowledge in humanities, an area I wouldn't have otherwise studied.

In the fall, I'll be taking Introductory Psychology, Basic Linear Algebra or Introductory Spanish, and two of Greek and Roman Mythology (Classics), Introductory Sociology, and Introduction to Microeconomics. From a purely success standpoint, I'm leaning towards Spanish, Sociology, and Economics, but I'm having a hard time deciding.

In the winter, I'll be taking Earth and Atmospheric Sciences - The Atmosphere, Philosophy - Values and Society, Classics of Children's Literature in English, and Anthropology - Gender, Age, and Culture.

Today, I'm thankful for and afternoon off.

Update

2010-06-19T16:22:00.003-06:00

Max is gone. I had to take him to the pound, it was worse than I thought it would be.

I am now working 5 days a week at my day job, and 5 days a week at the restaurant. I'm already exhausted. I didn't finish at the restaurant until 1am last night. Luckily in a week I won't be working my other job during the day on Saturday.

My high school fling didn't turn out, but I found another one. It's been stewing since last summer, and for some reason hasn't had the chance to work until now. I'm seeing him on Sunday, at work.

Today, I'm thankful for more hours at the restaurant.

Max

2010-06-13T12:40:00.004-06:00

My roommate got a kitten; I felt a bit pressured to allow her to bring it home. I'm allergic, I'm scared, and I don't particularly like cats. Despite my feelings, I can't deny his cuteness:

I picked his name, so I don't totally hate him.

Today, I'm thankful for my bed.

Bad Romance

2010-06-09T23:34:00.004-06:00

Last night, as I was laying in Joe's arms, I burst into tears. It's strange, he knew exactly why I was crying, and we haven't discussed 'us' in ages. I guess being in love with him comes in waves, and I'm currently in the crest of the wave. I know that I'd be ok without him; I was ok without him a few months ago.

Tonight I cheered myself up with roommate love and a wonderful dinner of kalamata olives, hummus, pita, and sauvignon blanc.

I'm seeing Joe tomorrow. In an effort to protect myself, I stirred up a fling with a friend from high school. After this weekend I'll know if I stirred it enough.

Today, I'm thankful for my car.

Pathetic

2010-06-03T23:21:00.002-06:00

I'm really tired, but I'm scared to go to bed.

I had a horrible nightmare last night: Joe married a beautiful blonde girl, who was perfect, and the opposite of me. I woke up in tears. Even though I can't remember many details, the emotion is stuck, and the lump in my throat comes back every time I think about it.

2010-05-30T13:59:00.003-06:00

New clothes ALWAYS make me feel better, especially ones from Victoria's Secret that come in the mail:

There is a dress too, bright orangey-red jersey cotton, and it can be worn about ten different ways which I thought was cool. (I couldn't get a flattering picture.)

I'm also in love with my new skirt from H&M and top from Zara:

Oddly, I'm loving the cold weather I've experienced this weekend. I haven't had to work at the restaurant because I was supposed to work on the patio. Having the weekend off, for the most part, has given me time to sleep, clean, shop for plants, eat cupcakes, and read. I think as I'm getting older I'm becoming more introverted.

Today, I'm thankful for cold.

The kids don't stand a chance

2010-05-28T18:30:00.004-06:00

A huge aspect of my childhood, summed up in an hour cbc documentary:

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/doczone/2010/hyperparents/index.html

Today, I'm thankful for Flirt cupcakes (the best I've had in Edmonton).

Not-Quite-Independent

2010-05-26T19:22:00.006-06:00

My parents have forbid me from moving back home. They're back to hating me.

Luckily, I'm on track for saving. Unfortunately, in September I will no longer have a car.

Today I'm thankful for fresh flowers.

"They call it growing up and settling down for a reason:

2010-05-24T13:40:00.001-06:00

You're settling down from being wild and crazy. So do wild and crazy things."

Invincible?

2010-05-22T23:01:00.002-06:00

Hardly.

I wish I was rational about the Joe thing, but I'm not.

Well really, I wish I was rational in general. But hey. I've got a roof over my head, and more hummus and avocados than I could ever hope for.

Today, I'm thankful for pizza.

I am Not a Robot.

2010-05-16T23:16:00.002-06:00

Tonight will be my first night staying at my parent's house. I'm having a trial run for a week to see if I could survive really moving back in. I'm feeling very bittersweet about it. It will be nice not to have to worry about things like food and cleaning. It might be horrible interacting with my parents, and end up causing me more stress. That being said, this weekend I was reminded of how good I really have it. I know that despite their disapproval of many of my lifestyle choices, they still love and support me.

A dear friend was married this weekend, but on her and her husband's terms, not society's. This angered her parents so much that they refused to attend the wedding celebration. (Her mother did change her mind in the end, which was happy.) I can't imagine how that would feel, and have decided to feel lucky to have the parents I do, despite our differences.

Today, I'm thankful for salted dark chocolate.

Lions!

2010-05-12T16:08:00.004-06:00

I slept at Joe's house last night.

His mother was there in the morning.

Talk.
About.
Awkward.

I'm learning a song on the piano, and I'm really horrible. I'm determined though.

Today, I'm thankful for Advil.

Big Sunglasses

2010-05-09T20:43:00.004-06:00

Mother's day today, less one grandma. I am officially 100% emotionally cut off.

My grandmother tried to explain to me the reason why we don't have a relationship. She had already told my mother it was because I was an anti-social and spoiled child, and tonight told me it's because I don't make an effort. I told her I didn't care, and that it was too late. The truth is that my relationship with her consisted of being put in front of the tv and written cheques.

Tragus

2010-05-08T17:02:00.003-06:00

Can you spot it?

Also, I'm reinstating the thankful bit at the end of each post. Just because I'm not thankful to god anymore doesn't mean I can't be thankful.

Today, I'm thankful for quesedillas.

No Sleep for the Boy Crazy

2010-05-05T23:12:00.006-06:00

I can't stop thinking about Joe. Maybe we should stop sleeping together.

Same old story: 1 less boy, 1 more article of clothing

2010-04-23T17:53:00.003-06:00

I broke up with Kaleb. The last few days he's barely talked to me, and last night he informed me that he had dinner with his ex (who he dated for 2 years) to "catch up". I suspected that he wasn't over her and now I know. He was upset with me when I called him on it. We haven't spoken since. I've lost all interest.

In other news I got a lovely new ring:

Mia Familia (if you can decipher the pronouns)

2010-04-21T21:03:00.005-06:00

My Grandmother had hip surgery about two weeks ago. She was anxious about how she would run a household after being made immobile, despite having a retired husband.

My parents have a live-in nanny for my sister. She arrived from the Philippines about two weeks ago; she doesn't know anyone where we live. My parents have been trying to help her network and make friends.

Two days ago, my grandmother called my mother telling her that she was going to take this new nanny under her wing. My mother hastily replied "If you've got some spare time, why don't you spend it with your grandchildren?" This statement provoked my grandmother's volatile emotions, and she hung up in tears. (She knows it's true, I barely know her or my grandfather, and my only feelings towards them are resentment and frustration.)
A few minutes later, my grandfather called telling my mother how much of a bitch she was for making my grandmother so upset.
The next day my great-aunt (my grandmother's sister visiting from England) called my mother with the same criticism, and also to inform my mother that it was now her responsilbility to take care of my grandmother. My mother then realized that my grandmother wanted to use the nanny to help her around the house, not to take her under her wing.

We had a family dinner tonight. I was rude and cold to my grandparents and great-aunt. When my grandmother and great-aunt had a laugh at the expense of my mentally handicapped sister I almost screamed. I left the room instead.

My family es ridiculo.

2010-03-28T21:21:00.006-06:00

I broke up with Tobin. He was insecure, didn't trust me, and the passion was gone. He's being a little bitch about it, telling me things like I was a massive waste of time and energy. We dated for 3 months.

Why don't you be the writer?

2010-03-02T22:41:00.002-07:00

The break-up dreams have begun.

Whenever I really like a guy and things are working out, I have a nightmare about once a week that we break up. Last night was that Tobin was engaged to one of his ex's, but he wanted to date me until he got married. I was conflicted about if I should stay with him or not. I was also lost in Mexico.

I got asked out by my junior high crush today. He came into the restaurant on the weekend with a bunch of friends and I served them. I think we're going for coffee, but he knows I have a boyfriend so it's not bad.

Life is good.

Cherries

2010-02-03T01:26:00.006-07:00

I miss summer, but I'm going to Mexico in a month, so I'll be ok until it comes.

Success

2010-01-12T00:28:00.003-07:00

So far, both of my resolutions have been kept. Joe cried and told me he still loves me and is full of regret. My body is already improving; I'm getting full sooner and my legs and arms are slightly less wobbly.

I have a real boyfriend, Tobin, that I was sure I liked until today. I hope his weirdness/shyness is due to nerves.

Champagne and Cigarettes

2009-12-28T22:02:00.005-07:00

Christmas was a sham. I had a fight with my mother about facebook, and my grandfather's wife is ridiculous. That's not to imply that I'm disappointed, my expectations were met, and I had a good holiday.

My two new resolutions that happen to be at the turn of the year:

Use my new gym membership --> going to Cancun in March gives me a goal. I'll find a new goal after.

Stop talking to Joe --> it's been over a year since we broke up and he's still in my life? I need to move on.

My 'be spontaneous' resolution that I made last February is working. To help myself out, I'm going on a last minute trip to Banff for New Year's. I bought a new skirt:
http://www.forever21.com/product.asp?catalog_name=FOREVER21&category_name=btms_skirts&product_id=2069130852&Page=all
(I promise it looks better on)

Happy Winter Holiday

2009-12-24T10:12:00.002-07:00

I don't want to go to my parent's house for christmas. It will be an interesting next five days.

RIP Cameo

2009-12-11T00:06:00.004-07:00

She crashed into a truck and died on the scene of the accident. She was a caring, loving, warm person. I wasn't close with her, but I've known her since grade 2. On a selfish note, that shook me up because it could have so easily been me.

http://edmonton.ctv.ca/servlet/an/local/CTVNews/20091211/edm_crashvictim_091211/20091211/?hub=EdmontonHome

Back on the tattoo bandwagon.

2009-12-02T20:45:00.003-07:00

F-holes on the back of my neck, or the inside of my wrist.
Something on the inside of my finger.
Something low on my hip.
A tree.
Love.

2009-11-25T15:32:00.001-07:00

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.

2009-11-01T09:18:00.003-07:00

I didn't do anything for halloween, I didn't want to. I felt weird though, everyone did.

I have a car and I can drive it; there is no way to describe the freedom I now posses.

Tom is out, he was not trustworthy. Joe was really angry when he found out, he called me a slut, even though I'm not. Cory really wants to break up with his girlfriend, he told me that he wants her to break up with him. He says he can't break up with her because he doesn't want to make her cry. We're continuing to have semi-inappropriate conversations about us getting together.

2009-10-05T22:09:00.003-06:00

I'm almost done with my teenage years, I can't believe it.

I really like Tom, more than I've liked a guy since Jo, but I'm having such difficulty with trust. I hope he's good, but I'm impatient.

In with the new

2009-09-30T13:22:00.002-06:00

and out with Travis. What a nut job.

Unfortunately, the new one, Tom, is friends with Joe. We're just not telling him. I'm not really sure what he wants, but I don't want a boyfriend.

Joe called me the other day, but I wasn't very nice. He's trying to be nice to me, but I can only see one motive and it's not so nice.

A Little Escape

2009-09-19T01:07:00.002-06:00

I don't like Travis. He likes me. I hate turning boys down, especially when I'd like to be friends with them.

Cory is a guy I wet to high school with, we've been hanging out for a while, but he has a girlfriend (which I knew when we started hanging out again). I 've recently started to fall for him, despite my best intentions, however those feelings will not be shared with him. He always complains about her to me, and always wants to hang out, so we'll see.

Happy?

2009-09-14T14:33:00.002-06:00

Job is good.
Home is good.
Getting a car is good.
Reading is good.
Friends are good.

Joe and I are speaking again. It's too hard for me not to. I wish it wasn't.
New boy: Travis, from work.

2009-09-08T00:06:00.002-06:00

Joe and I are no longer on speaking terms. I have to admit, he brings out the defensive, angry, anxious side of me, because I care about him still, but he doesn't. At first, we were using each other, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I fell for him again. I know it's for the best, and it isn't even that hard right now, I just miss having someone. The other day we were walking down Whyte and ended up talking to a random guy, who left us with: "you two will end up together, I don't care if you've dated before or aren't dating now, you are perfect for each other." Yes, I realize that he was probably out of it, but still, hearing that, and then reacting the same way was difficult. I was to move on. I did move on. I wish I could forget.

2009-08-28T12:15:00.002-06:00

I am a Child Support Worker at Children's Autism Services. I start on Monday. I wish I was going to school. The beginning of school also indicates the end of a certain boy in my life. I'm realizing what a huge mistake I've been making; at least I had an enjoyable summer.

2009-08-19T00:14:00.002-06:00

The interview went wonderfully. I have another one at a daycare tomorrow morning. Conveniently, I can't sleep, thanks to the boys in my life. I hate them all. I also hate people that are in love, and boys that can't make their mind up, and boys that are trying to cheat on their girlfriends.

2009-08-14T12:04:00.002-06:00

I have an interview with Children's Autism services on Tuesday. If I get the job I would get to work with a child with a disability, not necessarily autism. I really hope I get this job, I know I'd enjoy it (and it would look fantastic on my resume for what I want to do). I've been applying at many other places just in case.

I wish someone would just tell me what to do

2009-08-05T15:41:00.008-06:00

Here's what I know:

I want to take a special education degree.
I want to work at a job that will give me relevant experience while I'm not in school.
I want to take one semester off. It looks like I might be taking a year off though.

Here's what I have to decide:

~~Should I do elementary or secondary?~~ Secondary.
~~Should I work at a daycare in the fall if I don't do elementary?~~ As a backup.
~~What kind of job will look good if I decide to do secondary?~~ With kids with special needs.
~~What should I take as my major if I do secondary?~~ English
~~Should I take a year off to teach abroad? How would I go about doing that?~~ Only if I have the money, through the University.

I hate making decisions.

Update: I love crossing things off.

2009-07-30T14:41:00.001-06:00

I was right about Kurt.

Time to continue enjoying the single life.

I like to set goals

2009-07-21T16:43:00.002-06:00

photography class

volunteeer

start saving for condo owning

2009-07-20T01:39:00.001-06:00

I have shattered my internal clock. I would have loved to be asleep two hours ago. I guess I'm getting some reading done in the meantime.

2009-07-09T15:10:00.004-06:00

I have a new kitchen table and new things to organize my closet with. Hooray!

Summer reading list:

~~Still Alice : Lisa Genova~~
John A - The Man Who Made Us : Richard Gwyn
~~The Flying Troutmans : Miriam Toews~~
The Disappeared : Kim Echlin
Angels & Demons : Dan Brown
The Landing : John Ibbitson
~~The Withdrawal Method : Pasha Malla~~
~~The Book of Negroes : Lawrence Hill~~
~~The God Delusion : Richard Dawkin~~
~~RealLivePreacher.com : Gordon Atkinson~~ (interesting, but not recommended)

The bitch is back.

2009-07-08T11:03:00.004-06:00

My supervisor has returned to the lab, after a conference in Van city. I already feel inadequate and it's only 11. I'm not sure why he doesn't understand that I'm clueless. I haven't taken many relevant courses that would help me, and I have no research experience; he knows that. I need to learn by doing, and sometimes making mistakes. He seems to think that he's immune to such idiocy. At least I know he probably made some errors in life; he's single, 39, and only in his second year of grad school. He got into med school, but that doesn't mean he's succeeded.

2009-07-07T13:25:00.004-06:00

The rain today is something that I cherish. One of my favorite feelings is being wrapped in fleece on a cold, damp day. I love when it's chilly, and the windows are left wide open, allowing the soggy air to invade the apartment. Wrapped up in sweaters and blankets and slippers in the middle of the day, I'll read books, with loose tea, curled up in my papasan chair. I'll probably go for a run, but I won't sweat.

This, of course, all has to happen after I get home from work. My job is ridiculously pointless. I'll spend the next two hours and a bit on the internet pretending to be productive, and then I'll go home.

On another note, I'm resentful towards Alaska. Kurt is living out his Alexander Supertramp fantasy, according to him, despite the fact that he's on a cruise. I'm probably wasting my time with him.

2009-07-06T10:53:00.002-06:00

I leave for Kelowna in a week, and I am seriously looking forward to getting rid of my cancer-patient toned skin. I wish I had porcelain skin. I look a lot better tanned.

Kurt is in Alaska. I hate wondering if he misses me.

I'm buying a new kitchen table because the one we have is hideous. I wish I could be in charge of furnishing and decorating my apartment; I wish I had the money to do it. I guess I'd rather have a agreeable roommates with bad taste than mean roommates with good taste.

2009-07-02T10:57:00.000-06:00

He's amazing. I wish he wasn't, now I'm terrified.

2009-06-29T22:54:00.003-06:00

I get a whole day off tomorrow, it shall be splendid. I'll clean my apartment, listen to new music, read new books, and bathe in the sun. The possibility of seeing Kurt makes it a little sweeter.

Speaking of...

Kurt seemed hesitant because he was still dating his ex. They had gotten back together, but he's not in love with her. He's hesitant to get into a relationship because he's not sure if he's ready for that kind of commitment, and I'm intimidating. Rational brain says run, irrational brain says he's perfect.

2009-06-22T10:42:00.003-06:00

I have to give a presentation on my project tomorrow, and I think it's pretty good, but it probably sucks. The only thing I'm getting out of this job is a good reference, and I might not even get that. I want to quit, except I'm too stubborn.

2009-06-17T13:20:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I believe in karma, and this time, it's already kicked me in the ass. I decided that I actually like Kurt, and want to date him, yadda yadda yadda, but now he doesn't know if he wants to date me because I might be a rebound. How the tables have turned. Typical.

2009-06-10T12:59:00.004-06:00

I think I might date Kurt just as a rebound. I'm a horrible person.

I'm at the lab, and realizing that everything I've done since I started working here has been useless. I've proven that a certain hypothesis doesn't work. Isn't science lovely? I'm glad I hate it because now I think I'm going to be a special ed teacher. That sounds so much more fulfilling than anything in the field of science. Being a stone-cold money-sucking life-saver? Psh. I'd rather nurture and enrich.

2009-06-03T13:15:00.004-06:00

I might be going to Macewan in the fall (just so I can re-apply to U of A after the requirements are met). I can't decide if I want to go into arts, math, or education once I come back, but I know that science is out of the question. I thought about music, and I still wonder if maybe being a music teacher would be something I'd really enjoy, but I'd have to have at least grade 8 piano, and that would take years.